Conselhos para eu me lembrar sobre parentalidade

Coisas que aprendi com meus filhos: Quando uma criança ou adolescente desafiante dá sinais de que quer que você se afaste dele cada vez mais...Nós pais temos a tendência de fazer isso, às vezes por respeito, por ser fácil, por vários razões, mas é quando temos um adolescente rebelde que mais devemos nos aproximar.

Eu amo o nosso caos

Há mais ou menos duas semanas, eu tive uma conversa com Wagninho muito esclarecedora. Surpreendentemente, depois dessa conversa não me senti angustiada, como as outras conversas que tive com ele. Dessa vez eu tive a oportunidade de deixar claro o que eu penso sobre nossa família, e o que eu espero dele como parte dessa família. Primeiramente, deixe me explicar como consegui entrar e sair dessa conversa sem uma atitude confrontadora. Tudo começou na noite anterior à essa conversa. Quando eu estava conversando com Wagner sobre Wagninho, no porch. Falei algumas coisas desagradáveis que Wagninho havia feito e dito pra mim naquela semana, e que eu estava só aguentando. E Wagner adicionou alguns adjetivos muito fortes sobre Wagninho, que foi difícil para eu ouvir, mas que eu sei que são verdadeiros. Não é nenhum segredo que Wagninho já me contou mentiras para se favorecer, mentirar bobas e desnecessárias, ou omitiu informações importantes por sei lá quais razões...E isso sempre me preocupou como mãe, mas entendo que ele pode mudar, pois eu já contei mentiras também para me favorecer e com medo de enfrentar a realidade. Até que me cansei de não ser verdadeira, me cansei de não ser uma seguidora de Cristo completa. Fiquei triste de ouvir da boca do meu esposo, aquelas coisas sobre nosso filho. Não me conformei em aceitar que não poderia fazer nada para ajudá-lo. Imediatamente pensei que uma solução que poderia ajudá-lo, além de arrependimento e Cristo na vida dele, seria uma psicóloga ou terapeuta. Então chamei ele para uma conversa, mas ao invés de me comportar como mãe, eu fiz de conta na minha cabeça, que era uma psicóloga. Isso foi um bom exercício mental para me ajudar a desconectar emocionalmente dele, e não sentir as ofensas dele tão forte (é parte do temperamento dele tentar ferir nessas conversas, então já éo esperado). Dentre tantas respostas imaturas às minhas perguntas importantes, eu percebi que algumas pontos precisavam ser esclarecidos para ele. Mesmo assim, foi doloroso ouvir do meu filho que nossa família, nosso lar era um caos. Então tentei explicar à ele que não era meu propósito ajudar alguem que não queria ajuda, mas que para o nosso relacionamento funcionar, sem tantas cicatrizes, algumas coiasa precisavam ficar claras. Uma delas é que apesar de todas as nossas imperfeições, eu amo o caos da nossa família, pois é um caos baseado na tentativa de acertar. É um caos baseado no amor e desejo de melhorar. Ao passo que dizia isso também assegurei meu amor por ele apesar do caos que ele tem me causado. E que é dessa mesma maneira com Jesus; Ele nos ama como somos, o caos do jeito que é. Isso tudo não quer dizer que irei permitir ou ate incentivar desorganizacão e descaso. Nem Cristo aceita o pecado ou rebeldia. Ele ficou impactado com essas palavras, ao ponto de chorar, e me pedir desculpas. Foi uma boa conversa porque finalmente eu consegui definir limites no nosso relacionamento mãe e filho. Sim sou mãe, e isso significa que como a adulta do relacionamento preciso estabelecer limites e exigir o mínimo de respeito para termos um relacionamento agradável e duradouro. Foi o que exigi dele, respeito ao falar comigo, sem ofender, e pensar antes de tentar ofender a nossa família. Fiquei mesmo feliz por ter dado esse passo, e ter controlado minhas emoções. Falei de coração aberto, e estabeleci as regras e consequencias que o desrespeito só resultaria no enfraquecimento do nosso relacionamento. Não desejo isso, mas também tenho limites.

A look to the eternity

A look to the eternity I really liked this sentence, and somehow it made a big impression on me. My goal is to write something about that...I don't know what yet. Maybe something to do with the fact that when I see myself in the eternity this clear up my perspective and helps me make the necessary changes in the present.

Tristeza e descobertas da maternidade com meu filho adolescente e a nova bebê que vai chegar

 I am struggling with my feelings of mothering my son, and mothering again a new baby. I am very sad and I decided to write here to put this out. I wish I could promise myself I'll never cry because of my children again, they don't deserve that. But I want promise either way that this will be the last time I cry because of my children's defiance. I am an individual person with emotions, dreams, and needs, and I need to give respect to myself. My life is my life.

To begin with, I first felt a bit concern today when I read an email talking about finding time for myself. Then I realized I'll start again in a few months, all that fase of motherhood that I give all of me to the new baby, and forget about me. And thinking that I will go through this again gave me some angustianting thoughts and feelings. It does not help to promise myself that this time I'll be more careful, manage things better, be more brave to leave the baby at home with dad, and do something for myself. It does not help because I know very well that I am that type of person that intensily involve myself with my responsibilities, in this case the new baby. Second, I already know the pace and multiple things that a baby needs throughout the day. Sometimes is humanly impossible to find time for ourselves among so many things the baby requires from us. I also know that I'll love this baby more than me, so I'll give all of me and more because of "love". I am hopeless. I will definetely go through this "finding time for myself" phase again.

Because of this "love" that most mothers have that they also suffer when their teenager son get away from her, emotionally and physically. This is the reason I am also struggling with my feelings of mothering my son today. It started when I woke up early, which is not often. I just couldn't sleep anymore in the morning because of my lower back pain. So I took that as an opportunity to see if my children were in fact studying in the morning. As I was suspecting, they are not really dedicated into their studies in the morning. The agreement was that I would guide them only on language arts and math, during afternoons. The other subjects they would be held accountable. I had a slightly impression that they are not responsible to do that, but I thought it was important to give it a try in order to teach them to be more independent and responsible. But I am already changing subject here.

Well, to summarise, I was able to see that my son was not following the schedule, then I made some suggestions about his math test, to which he replied that it would be "impossible because he can't do those hard questions".

I asked him to at least try because I knew he could do it, in 2 hours. And that this should be his priority. After this discussion Wagner came, and talked to him, to which Wagninho listened.

I felt once more that Wagninho really have something against my advices...In fact I feel confused when I am talking to him. I just don't know how to deal with cheap excuses, his fixed mindset, arrogance, and disrespect.

Wagner agreed with my advices, recommended the same to Wagninho and left for him to decide what he would do in his studies. I realized that after a hour, Wagninho left the living room to his bedroom. I saw that the computer was with him. I went to check after awhile...and had a conversation with him. I asked if he had followed my directions in his studies and he said no. I told him I was not his enemy, that I was looking to help him, and giving advices with the intention to see him progress and thrive in the future. I just wanted have this clear between us. It's not a struggle for force and control. The advices and teachings I give are all based on his progress. And Wagninho has made a point of not following any.

Even though I was sad, I told him I am not even considering my feelings anymore (hurt and sadness by his disrespect and disobedience). I am just puzzled of why is so hard to listen his mother. I asked him to be honest, and he answered that was his ego. So I asked him to tell his ego that I am his mother and that I care about him, I am not an enemy.

After I left his room, I did felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, and cried a little. Then I searched in the internet why my relationship with my son became this. I found some interesting things...It seems that mothers cannot give advices to teenager sons anymore...because it seems to hurt the feelings of independence that they are searching from their mother in order to achieve manhood. They want to behave like man while they are still boys. And man are not told what to do. They know and want to be in charge of their lives. And I understand this need for independence. I want my son to be independent, however he is still in need of help to do boy things. In fact I see him as irresponsible and lazy in his studies...while outside home he is seen as a good and responsible, I don't see that at home. Maybe that's one starting point problem that explain why my relationship with my son is so delicate. While I strive for love, as a feminine mother, my son is striving for independence and respect. 

I felt very hard when my son changed his affection demonstration to me. It was a couple years ago, when he was probably 11, 12 or 13. He completely changed. He became more cold, defiant, and started stopping to do everything he had learned with me. That explains a lot. I was blaming myself these years, thinking that I did something wrong...and I really believe that because I was too demanding with him this could have separated us. In fact we had a lot of discussions in the last 3 years about his studies, free time, housework, etc... One of the readings I found in my research mantioned that teenager boys thing mother nag them a lot.

I've come to realize that perhaps it was not really my demanding behavior with him that cause the strain in our relationship, but also his changing of nature to achieve manhood. It seems that teenager boys can only feel they are moving from boyhood to manhood when they start to distant themselves from their mothers, who are controlling. It seems that my role as a manager now has to change to consultant. And not only this, but only when the teenager son comes to mother, not when mother thinks it's important to go to the son.

That situation with my son is a whole new perspective and learnings of motherhood, that I need to adapt myself into. I learned a lot from my experience with my oldest daughter. And this is a whole new one.

Reflections about my son's adolescence

 I am having a hard time to deal with my teenager son. We've had several discussions at home recently, and I don't understand why he is so resistant to my advices. And this has been an equal challenge to my husband as well. His father has more patience than me, though. Since I am pregnant, I am trying to avoid confrontations, so my husband is dealing more directly with our son. However, today it got me thinking about my son's resistance even more because we had a discussion about one simple thing. He changed his homeschool time to mornings, knowing that afternoons are better for me to help him. He is very low in placement tests of math, when compared to kids in his age. He still needs to improve his writing and prosody. So I would like to help him closer, and I had explained that to him multiple times. My husband and I have plans for his SAT, TOEFL and college application. I wish Wagninho would trust us more. However, in the middle of our discussion  I realized that we are having a power struggle. Our son is not willing to do anything that we ask him, if this means he will lose the power to decide or do things in his ways.

I tried to remember things I learned about adolescence in my online classes. However, knowing he is in this stage of autonomy and freedom, or that his brain and body are going through changes...these things don't help us to convince him to stop wasting his time playing videos games and be more dedicated to his studies, the gospel, seminary, being gentle with his sister and parents, and etc.

So I decided to ponder about what I did wrong in his childhood. Because I didn't have a challenging adolescent when Suzana, our oldest daughter, was going through these changes. She went through the same issues of autonomy/privacy/freedom/protection/identity and also the biological changes. But I remember being a source of help and comfort to her, whenever difficult she was having. So it reminded me that I didn't have the same relationship with my son when he was younger. He was always so difficult to deal with! I am not trying to excuse myself, but it was like he avoided me to strengthen our relationship. I had a hard time to understand him. I didn't know what to do. I read severeal books, watched several lives...implemented some practices that I thought would help, but...he countinued a distant child. I tried to be gentle, say good things to him, buy things he liked, encourage him in his extra activities, but at the same time I also disciplined him because I thought that was correct. I learned that parents need to give limits, showing authority while also demonstrating love. I also didn't control myself many times, causing several fights with him, while he was growing up. I remember I lost my temper a lot, I even beated him sometimes. Obviously I knew I was wrong, and apologized him. He was a very challenging child. Although we had very good moments, where I demonstrated my love for him, I have more memories of how challenging he was to obey simple things. Or even accept my advices/teachings. So I turned out concluding that maybe I wouldn't have the same strong relationship with all my children, like I had with my oldest daughter. Perhaps I needed to respect my son's personality. Perhaps he was not the kind that liked to bond like I expected. So I gave him the distance he seemed to want.

I was reflecting about all of this today. I think that somehow the struggle we're having with him now is a reflection of a lack of relationship I should have developed with him, while he was young. That would explain why my oldest daugther's adolescence was not challenging.

However, I also thought that I should not take the blame all on myself. Each person has a personality, and temperament, that I have no control over. He gets to decides how to act towards the experiences of life or how his parents are. What I mean is that my son could have decided by himself to accept his parents approaches since young age. If he had accepted my love and influence better, we would have bonded, and would have a good relationship to go through this stage he is dealing now. 

I think each personality reacts differently with each life stage and experiences. I can't compare him with my oldest daughter or the yougest, or the baby girl that is coming now. Even though I don't agree with my son's reactions to our life's experiences (we moved a lot in the last few years...), this is the son I have now, and I need to learn how to deal with him. And I intend to give my best to understand him, and help him go through this challenging time.

So far, I think we should avoid power struggles, demanding things, and treat him like an adult. He has to suffer the consequences of not studying and instead playing video games. I don't know how I will be able to see him lost the opportunitties. But I will pray that somehow he will make sense of his life's choices in time to revert without much harsh consequences. When it comes to scriptures and seminary, I think I should let him sufffer the consequences as well, so he can learn by himself. Perhaps this approach is the same I chose when he was younger, when I gave him space. Perhaps, I should confront and not give up until he accepts that his parent's teachings.

Solara (quase 12 anos) é brincalhona

 Solara acabou de vir aqui no quarto, para me mostrar algo engraçado. Ela ganhou um pacote de brinquedinhos da Caroline, roomate da Suzana. Nesse pacote veio um cano de plástico que faz barulho engraçado, como estivesse estalando algo. Então a Solara veio no meu quarto e disse:

-Mãe, olha isso.

E curvou a costa para trás, na tentativa de estalar, mas estava com o brinquedo nas mãos, atrás das costas, e fez um barulho de estalo super alto. Ela deu muita risada! Nós duas demos muitas risadas!

Amei ouvir a risadinha dela, e pensei que em alguns anos quando ela crescer não vou ter mais essa espontaneadade dela. Ela vai crescer e virar uma adulta, e vou curtir outras coisas da fase adulta dela, mas essa fase menina brincalhona já terá passado. Por isso aproveitei bem esse momento, e estou me esforçando para prestar atenção e viver esses momentos, porque sei que passam.

Gravei esse momento na minha memória, e estou vivendo intensamente esse momento com essa pequena reflexão.

Lições que aprendi com a Solara- "Eu não sou tão sensível..."

 Está caindo uma chuvinha agora, a Solara está aqui no sofá na sala assistindo um filme (Onward), Wagninho está na mesa com o computador (fazendo um partitura para a Sol), e eu estou no sofá escrevendo meu diário das escrituras, quando....senti vontade de escrever uma experiência que aconteceu sábado.

Sábado a tarde, pedi ajuda da Sol para fazer um jogo de competição com a minha aluna Sarah. Percebi que a Solara estava perdendo em todas as jogadas, e meu coração de mãe sofreu. Eu até quis tentar dar vantagem para ela, mas meu coração cristão não me permitiu. No final ela acabou ganhado a última partida por 1 ponto. Mas fiquei preocupada com as vezes que ela perdeu as outras partidas. Como uma boa mãe, que sinto que sou, planejei em conversar com ela a noite, e pedir desculpas, pois eu havia esquecido que ela não gosta de jogos de competição.

Primeira lição

Me lembrei de ir conversar com ela, no quarto, quando ela foi dormir. E aprendi duas coisas com a Solara nessa noite. Quando pedi desculpas por ter exposto ela à competição ela falou: "Não tem problema mãe, eu não sou tão sensível assim para competição. Eu sou forte!" Aprendi nesse momento, que devo confiar e acreditar que minha filha pode e consegue lidar com adversidades. Isso é importante para o desenvolvimento dela. Ela é capaz, e devo incentivar ela a experimentar não só os sentimentos de alegria e satisfação, mas também de frustração.

Segunda lição

Logo em seguida, a Sol me disse que a Suzana costumava ajudá-la nos jogos de competições com Wagninho. Eu perguntei que tipo de ajuda, e ela respondeu: "Controlando o Wagninho para jogar mais fácil, e me dava umas dicas também." E então a Sol começou a chorar. Nesse momento aprendi a importância dos laços familiares. Como a lembrança da irmã ajudar ela, toca ela profundamente.

Já fazem 2 meses que a Suzana está na BYU, e ainda sentimos muita falta dela, embora percebo que estamos mais acostumados. Ela é uma peça importante na nossa família, pelo fato de ela ser como ela é.

A gentileza, e natureza amigável e protetora da Suzana marcaram na lembrança da Solara. Ao refletir sobre isso, me perguntei então, o que posso fazer de bom, que irá ficar na lembrança dos meus filhos e marido. E claro que essa experiência reforçou ainda mais meu desejo de morar perto da Suzana, e no futuro morar perto do Wagninho e Solara também.