I am struggling with my feelings of mothering my son, and mothering again a new baby. I am very sad and I decided to write here to put this out. I wish I could promise myself I'll never cry because of my children again, they don't deserve that. But I want promise either way that this will be the last time I cry because of my children's defiance. I am an individual person with emotions, dreams, and needs, and I need to give respect to myself. My life is my life.
To begin with, I first felt a bit concern today when I read an email talking about finding time for myself. Then I realized I'll start again in a few months, all that fase of motherhood that I give all of me to the new baby, and forget about me. And thinking that I will go through this again gave me some angustianting thoughts and feelings. It does not help to promise myself that this time I'll be more careful, manage things better, be more brave to leave the baby at home with dad, and do something for myself. It does not help because I know very well that I am that type of person that intensily involve myself with my responsibilities, in this case the new baby. Second, I already know the pace and multiple things that a baby needs throughout the day. Sometimes is humanly impossible to find time for ourselves among so many things the baby requires from us. I also know that I'll love this baby more than me, so I'll give all of me and more because of "love". I am hopeless. I will definetely go through this "finding time for myself" phase again.
Because of this "love" that most mothers have that they also suffer when their teenager son get away from her, emotionally and physically. This is the reason I am also struggling with my feelings of mothering my son today. It started when I woke up early, which is not often. I just couldn't sleep anymore in the morning because of my lower back pain. So I took that as an opportunity to see if my children were in fact studying in the morning. As I was suspecting, they are not really dedicated into their studies in the morning. The agreement was that I would guide them only on language arts and math, during afternoons. The other subjects they would be held accountable. I had a slightly impression that they are not responsible to do that, but I thought it was important to give it a try in order to teach them to be more independent and responsible. But I am already changing subject here.
Well, to summarise, I was able to see that my son was not following the schedule, then I made some suggestions about his math test, to which he replied that it would be "impossible because he can't do those hard questions".
I asked him to at least try because I knew he could do it, in 2 hours. And that this should be his priority. After this discussion Wagner came, and talked to him, to which Wagninho listened.
I felt once more that Wagninho really have something against my advices...In fact I feel confused when I am talking to him. I just don't know how to deal with cheap excuses, his fixed mindset, arrogance, and disrespect.
Wagner agreed with my advices, recommended the same to Wagninho and left for him to decide what he would do in his studies. I realized that after a hour, Wagninho left the living room to his bedroom. I saw that the computer was with him. I went to check after awhile...and had a conversation with him. I asked if he had followed my directions in his studies and he said no. I told him I was not his enemy, that I was looking to help him, and giving advices with the intention to see him progress and thrive in the future. I just wanted have this clear between us. It's not a struggle for force and control. The advices and teachings I give are all based on his progress. And Wagninho has made a point of not following any.
Even though I was sad, I told him I am not even considering my feelings anymore (hurt and sadness by his disrespect and disobedience). I am just puzzled of why is so hard to listen his mother. I asked him to be honest, and he answered that was his ego. So I asked him to tell his ego that I am his mother and that I care about him, I am not an enemy.
After I left his room, I did felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, and cried a little. Then I searched in the internet why my relationship with my son became this. I found some interesting things...It seems that mothers cannot give advices to teenager sons anymore...because it seems to hurt the feelings of independence that they are searching from their mother in order to achieve manhood. They want to behave like man while they are still boys. And man are not told what to do. They know and want to be in charge of their lives. And I understand this need for independence. I want my son to be independent, however he is still in need of help to do boy things. In fact I see him as irresponsible and lazy in his studies...while outside home he is seen as a good and responsible, I don't see that at home. Maybe that's one starting point problem that explain why my relationship with my son is so delicate. While I strive for love, as a feminine mother, my son is striving for independence and respect.
I felt very hard when my son changed his affection demonstration to me. It was a couple years ago, when he was probably 11, 12 or 13. He completely changed. He became more cold, defiant, and started stopping to do everything he had learned with me. That explains a lot. I was blaming myself these years, thinking that I did something wrong...and I really believe that because I was too demanding with him this could have separated us. In fact we had a lot of discussions in the last 3 years about his studies, free time, housework, etc... One of the readings I found in my research mantioned that teenager boys thing mother nag them a lot.
I've come to realize that perhaps it was not really my demanding behavior with him that cause the strain in our relationship, but also his changing of nature to achieve manhood. It seems that teenager boys can only feel they are moving from boyhood to manhood when they start to distant themselves from their mothers, who are controlling. It seems that my role as a manager now has to change to consultant. And not only this, but only when the teenager son comes to mother, not when mother thinks it's important to go to the son.
That situation with my son is a whole new perspective and learnings of motherhood, that I need to adapt myself into. I learned a lot from my experience with my oldest daughter. And this is a whole new one.
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