My school assignment about my first changemaker: Suzana

The changemaker I would like to talk about is my oldest daughter. Here is something I wrote about her: 1- When she wants something she goes after it. She is consistent, intelligent, and a driven person. 2- I have to struggle to exercise and do therapy, so she is an example for me of someone that is determine and follow through her goals. 3- She made a great impact in my life since she made me a mother. Because of her, I had to change a lot of bad habits in order to be a better mother. 4- She inspired me to be a better mother, I improved my healthylifestyle, and improved my spirituality as well. I could talk about each of my children, since they all came and impacted me somehow. I learned with each of them. But I chose to talk specifically about Suzana because she is the oldest, the first that gave way to my personal improvement, and she has consistently being an inspiration for me throught her life. Some examples of her personality and impacts: When I began teaching her how to play piano, at age 4, she received the task, trusted in her parents, and practiced. She did it so well that very soon she advanced and began playin piano better than me. Years later, she wanted to learn how to do split, because of her ballet classes. She created a plan of exercises, and she consistenly trainned everyday to achieve this. After this, she wanted to use ballet pointe, and with practice she also achieved this. When I decided she would be homeschooled, she accepted the challenge, and she basically homeschooled herself. My husband and I had only guided her curriculum, but she made it happen everyday, with focus, planning, and following through. She has become a woman, decided to study abroad and applied to the whole process herself, moved to another country by herself at age 17 to attend college, and she is now serving a mission. She has to lead some missionaries, and I am proud of the work she has been doing. About my live presentation, and slide part: Can you expand on the fact that she is a changemaker for me because of impacting my life right from the beggining when she was born. On that moment, I felt I was her whole world, and I felt the heavy responsibility on my shoulders of helping her become a good citizen to this world. Right that, at that moment, besides that burden, I also felt the motivation to change myself first in order to be the closest human example for her of how to live her life. Somethings she inspired me to do include overcoming my childhood traumas, search healing from past experiences, so I could give myseld into motherhood with a health mindset, following my instincts, and really guide her. If not, if I hadn't work on myself first, I couldn't have taken a good care of her. Can you also include that while a teenager, she became very aware of the importance of taking care of herself. She learned how to make health food, and became insterested in Yoga. Nowadays I also practice yoga because of her dedication to the practice. She inspires me to be brave, happy, and calm.

Evolução da Serena depois do 1° aniversário

Essa semana a Serena completou 13 meses! Passamos da fase do primeiro ano, e agora ela é uma toddler. Fiquei impressionada com a evolução dela nesse 1 mês depois do aniversário de 1 ano. Já vi ela tentando calçar sapatos sozinha do Wagner, meu e dos irmãos...Até o próprio sapato dela, rsrsrsrs. Passei a deixar ela assistir Baby Einstein em casa (antes era só no carro), e ela ama. Ela já tenta falar as vogais e números, aponta para as fotos que indicam o que ela quer. Está conversando mais, mais não saiu palavras certinhas ainda além de mama, dada, book, e duck. Foi também a primeira vez que ela ficou bem doente, pois acordou no dia 2 de setembro (aniversário dela) vomitando. Ela já não é uma bebê gordinha, e agora perdeu mais peso ainda depois desses dias de vômitos e diarréia.

Conselhos para eu me lembrar sobre parentalidade

Coisas que aprendi com meus filhos: Quando uma criança ou adolescente desafiante dá sinais de que quer que você se afaste dele cada vez mais...Nós pais temos a tendência de fazer isso, às vezes por respeito, por ser fácil, por vários razões, mas é quando temos um adolescente rebelde que mais devemos nos aproximar.

Eu amo o nosso caos

Há mais ou menos duas semanas, eu tive uma conversa com Wagninho muito esclarecedora. Surpreendentemente, depois dessa conversa não me senti angustiada, como as outras conversas que tive com ele. Dessa vez eu tive a oportunidade de deixar claro o que eu penso sobre nossa família, e o que eu espero dele como parte dessa família. Primeiramente, deixe me explicar como consegui entrar e sair dessa conversa sem uma atitude confrontadora. Tudo começou na noite anterior à essa conversa. Quando eu estava conversando com Wagner sobre Wagninho, no porch. Falei algumas coisas desagradáveis que Wagninho havia feito e dito pra mim naquela semana, e que eu estava só aguentando. E Wagner adicionou alguns adjetivos muito fortes sobre Wagninho, que foi difícil para eu ouvir, mas que eu sei que são verdadeiros. Não é nenhum segredo que Wagninho já me contou mentiras para se favorecer, mentirar bobas e desnecessárias, ou omitiu informações importantes por sei lá quais razões...E isso sempre me preocupou como mãe, mas entendo que ele pode mudar, pois eu já contei mentiras também para me favorecer e com medo de enfrentar a realidade. Até que me cansei de não ser verdadeira, me cansei de não ser uma seguidora de Cristo completa. Fiquei triste de ouvir da boca do meu esposo, aquelas coisas sobre nosso filho. Não me conformei em aceitar que não poderia fazer nada para ajudá-lo. Imediatamente pensei que uma solução que poderia ajudá-lo, além de arrependimento e Cristo na vida dele, seria uma psicóloga ou terapeuta. Então chamei ele para uma conversa, mas ao invés de me comportar como mãe, eu fiz de conta na minha cabeça, que era uma psicóloga. Isso foi um bom exercício mental para me ajudar a desconectar emocionalmente dele, e não sentir as ofensas dele tão forte (é parte do temperamento dele tentar ferir nessas conversas, então já éo esperado). Dentre tantas respostas imaturas às minhas perguntas importantes, eu percebi que algumas pontos precisavam ser esclarecidos para ele. Mesmo assim, foi doloroso ouvir do meu filho que nossa família, nosso lar era um caos. Então tentei explicar à ele que não era meu propósito ajudar alguem que não queria ajuda, mas que para o nosso relacionamento funcionar, sem tantas cicatrizes, algumas coiasa precisavam ficar claras. Uma delas é que apesar de todas as nossas imperfeições, eu amo o caos da nossa família, pois é um caos baseado na tentativa de acertar. É um caos baseado no amor e desejo de melhorar. Ao passo que dizia isso também assegurei meu amor por ele apesar do caos que ele tem me causado. E que é dessa mesma maneira com Jesus; Ele nos ama como somos, o caos do jeito que é. Isso tudo não quer dizer que irei permitir ou ate incentivar desorganizacão e descaso. Nem Cristo aceita o pecado ou rebeldia. Ele ficou impactado com essas palavras, ao ponto de chorar, e me pedir desculpas. Foi uma boa conversa porque finalmente eu consegui definir limites no nosso relacionamento mãe e filho. Sim sou mãe, e isso significa que como a adulta do relacionamento preciso estabelecer limites e exigir o mínimo de respeito para termos um relacionamento agradável e duradouro. Foi o que exigi dele, respeito ao falar comigo, sem ofender, e pensar antes de tentar ofender a nossa família. Fiquei mesmo feliz por ter dado esse passo, e ter controlado minhas emoções. Falei de coração aberto, e estabeleci as regras e consequencias que o desrespeito só resultaria no enfraquecimento do nosso relacionamento. Não desejo isso, mas também tenho limites.

A look to the eternity

A look to the eternity I really liked this sentence, and somehow it made a big impression on me. My goal is to write something about that...I don't know what yet. Maybe something to do with the fact that when I see myself in the eternity this clear up my perspective and helps me make the necessary changes in the present.

Tristeza e descobertas da maternidade com meu filho adolescente e a nova bebê que vai chegar

 I am struggling with my feelings of mothering my son, and mothering again a new baby. I am very sad and I decided to write here to put this out. I wish I could promise myself I'll never cry because of my children again, they don't deserve that. But I want promise either way that this will be the last time I cry because of my children's defiance. I am an individual person with emotions, dreams, and needs, and I need to give respect to myself. My life is my life.

To begin with, I first felt a bit concern today when I read an email talking about finding time for myself. Then I realized I'll start again in a few months, all that fase of motherhood that I give all of me to the new baby, and forget about me. And thinking that I will go through this again gave me some angustianting thoughts and feelings. It does not help to promise myself that this time I'll be more careful, manage things better, be more brave to leave the baby at home with dad, and do something for myself. It does not help because I know very well that I am that type of person that intensily involve myself with my responsibilities, in this case the new baby. Second, I already know the pace and multiple things that a baby needs throughout the day. Sometimes is humanly impossible to find time for ourselves among so many things the baby requires from us. I also know that I'll love this baby more than me, so I'll give all of me and more because of "love". I am hopeless. I will definetely go through this "finding time for myself" phase again.

Because of this "love" that most mothers have that they also suffer when their teenager son get away from her, emotionally and physically. This is the reason I am also struggling with my feelings of mothering my son today. It started when I woke up early, which is not often. I just couldn't sleep anymore in the morning because of my lower back pain. So I took that as an opportunity to see if my children were in fact studying in the morning. As I was suspecting, they are not really dedicated into their studies in the morning. The agreement was that I would guide them only on language arts and math, during afternoons. The other subjects they would be held accountable. I had a slightly impression that they are not responsible to do that, but I thought it was important to give it a try in order to teach them to be more independent and responsible. But I am already changing subject here.

Well, to summarise, I was able to see that my son was not following the schedule, then I made some suggestions about his math test, to which he replied that it would be "impossible because he can't do those hard questions".

I asked him to at least try because I knew he could do it, in 2 hours. And that this should be his priority. After this discussion Wagner came, and talked to him, to which Wagninho listened.

I felt once more that Wagninho really have something against my advices...In fact I feel confused when I am talking to him. I just don't know how to deal with cheap excuses, his fixed mindset, arrogance, and disrespect.

Wagner agreed with my advices, recommended the same to Wagninho and left for him to decide what he would do in his studies. I realized that after a hour, Wagninho left the living room to his bedroom. I saw that the computer was with him. I went to check after awhile...and had a conversation with him. I asked if he had followed my directions in his studies and he said no. I told him I was not his enemy, that I was looking to help him, and giving advices with the intention to see him progress and thrive in the future. I just wanted have this clear between us. It's not a struggle for force and control. The advices and teachings I give are all based on his progress. And Wagninho has made a point of not following any.

Even though I was sad, I told him I am not even considering my feelings anymore (hurt and sadness by his disrespect and disobedience). I am just puzzled of why is so hard to listen his mother. I asked him to be honest, and he answered that was his ego. So I asked him to tell his ego that I am his mother and that I care about him, I am not an enemy.

After I left his room, I did felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, and cried a little. Then I searched in the internet why my relationship with my son became this. I found some interesting things...It seems that mothers cannot give advices to teenager sons anymore...because it seems to hurt the feelings of independence that they are searching from their mother in order to achieve manhood. They want to behave like man while they are still boys. And man are not told what to do. They know and want to be in charge of their lives. And I understand this need for independence. I want my son to be independent, however he is still in need of help to do boy things. In fact I see him as irresponsible and lazy in his studies...while outside home he is seen as a good and responsible, I don't see that at home. Maybe that's one starting point problem that explain why my relationship with my son is so delicate. While I strive for love, as a feminine mother, my son is striving for independence and respect. 

I felt very hard when my son changed his affection demonstration to me. It was a couple years ago, when he was probably 11, 12 or 13. He completely changed. He became more cold, defiant, and started stopping to do everything he had learned with me. That explains a lot. I was blaming myself these years, thinking that I did something wrong...and I really believe that because I was too demanding with him this could have separated us. In fact we had a lot of discussions in the last 3 years about his studies, free time, housework, etc... One of the readings I found in my research mantioned that teenager boys thing mother nag them a lot.

I've come to realize that perhaps it was not really my demanding behavior with him that cause the strain in our relationship, but also his changing of nature to achieve manhood. It seems that teenager boys can only feel they are moving from boyhood to manhood when they start to distant themselves from their mothers, who are controlling. It seems that my role as a manager now has to change to consultant. And not only this, but only when the teenager son comes to mother, not when mother thinks it's important to go to the son.

That situation with my son is a whole new perspective and learnings of motherhood, that I need to adapt myself into. I learned a lot from my experience with my oldest daughter. And this is a whole new one.